runnin’ thru lovers

Love has to be one of the most fleeting and possibly underestimated emotions of our generation. Doesn’t it seem like we tend to hold on to anger longer than we hold on to love? I was talking to my Grandad the other day, and it’s so obvious that we grew up in different times because of the way he speaks about love and marriage compared to the colloquial tone that is used towards those same subjects today. From his view, love is important. Companionship matters as much as anything else, a generational pattern of sorts. Our generation has kind of left the book at the library and checked out other non-related to love audio-books.

But, I digress, after my really big heart break, quite a few years back, expectedly, it destroyed me. But, I’m not the “ball up in a corner and sob” type. I have been a mother for all of my adult life, so appearing broken only worked for a few, perfectly timed, small moments. Imagine, walking around with the feeling of brokenness engulfing your entire being and you still have to smile, because you have to work. You still have to smile, because your child(ren) doesn’t deserve to have that pain relayed to them. You still have to smile.

Can we agree that emotions rule the human brain? Specifically, in somber moments, our brains tend to magnify real life events and alter them in a way that may not always be realistic. So we say and do things that, in our sober mind, we wouldn’t do or say.

Also, Isn’t heartbreak such a self-deprecating emotion? Not only do you have to deal with the physical, emotional and mental challenges of it, but then we are eventually forced to look in the mirror and analyze the devastation in our hearts while admitting our part in it. No matter who or what we place the blame on.

Once this heartache dwindles, regardless of how you get over it, a valid question is always, how do you love again?

KB: You just do. How could you not?

How long should you wait?

KB: Simple, how long do you need to be bitter about it?

Because the same amount of time applies if you use the time wisely. You can wait an entire lifetime if you want. Or you can wait approximately half of the life span of your relationship. However, we can honestly find love again the day after a break-up. All of us, we’re human, we are built to heal, the healing process is only limited by our own entrapments. As long as you care for yourself properly. (Self-care is the most important.)

I didn’t know what my plans were after my breakup, but I knew I wasn’t going to limit myself anymore. I wasn’t quite sure how uninhibited my love life would be, or how strict I would be, but what I did know was that I was done with THAT SHIT. And any emotions that lingered.

Kind of like the smell that is still in the bathroom after someone went #2, and you walk in on it. Yea, THAT SHIT.

So, I lived my life. I dated, I loved, I liked, I disliked, I congratulated, I made men better for their next partner and vice versa, I left, I got left. I was alone, and I was attached. I traveled. I live my life for me. I was selfish, and I wasn’t. I’ve made mistakes, sure, but I learn.

The reality of it is that I’m still on this journey I’m on. Some chapters aren’t even drafted yet. Thus, my idea of a soulmate(s) has changed.

It. Is. So. Much. Different. Than. It. Was. In. My. 20s.

Now approaching what might be my 5th straight year being single, I am really happy to be at this place of wanting and understanding, and unbelievable content-ness with my life and where it’s headed. I have been saved by the grace of God far too many times to count and I don’t take even one for granted. I fall in love every day with ideas and sensations, and with polite hello grins between people and random conversations. These are things that I’ve been able to truly appreciate. Now, I’m at a point where I can infiltrate what I’ve learned about myself and the way I love and what I expect in return. There are so many qualities that can contribute to a healthy relationship. Being able to meet, know or love people from worlds outside of mine and to see them for exactly who they are, has opened me up to a new way of viewing life.

I haven’t found a partner yet. I have been fortunate enough to experience little bites of passion that have wandered into my life and left accordingly. But real big love, that has managed to divert itself from my path. I trust our paths will cross one day, in the meantime, I put small orders in with the waiter at the “Make-a-King Diner”, in the form of questions:

Will he nurture my being? Will he understand me for who I am and grow with me as I continue to evolve? Will he evolve as well? What love language does he speak? Will he understand the language that my soul speaks, and I, his? Will we grind the same way? Will he pray? What will he teach me? What can I teach him? Be my best friend? How will we co-parent my son? Or our children if he has any...

What I find interesting is the that we all have different heartbreak stories that are all essentially the same. Something happened, it didn’t work out, and as a result, I am hurting. The letters join differently on the page but the story always ends with THE END.

My self-empowerment journey has been pleasing. Does everyone have to live life the way I do? Not at all. All stories don’t read the same. And I don’t think they are all received the same either. And because of that always do what is best for you, because you are the only one who has to be happy with you.


Photo by William Stitt on Unsplash